[14] Payment to be Pretentious.

An Op-Ed exploring what it means to be "pretentious," the pride I have in my introspection, and the terrifying realization that the core beliefs you hold aren't necessarily benevolent.

It’s annoyingly familiar to hear people call ME (specifically the things I ENGAGE in) as PRETENTIOUS. They say my vocabulary is pretentious. My opinions. My hobbies. My humor. My movie taste. My blog. 

Startled, immediately defensive. But at its root, confusion, especially since I don’t think neither myself nor my critics really UNDERSTAND what that word entails. 

The standard definition of “pretentious” doesn’t particularly apply to me — I don’t perceive my passion and my pursuits as merely an attempt to impress others. Perhaps my work resonates as pretentious because OTHERS don’t PERCEIVE my work with much value. But THEN the issue becomes a SUBJECTIVE debate of the value of my work and, thus, this labeling placed on me becomes QUESTIONABLE at best. 

Still, I gave this critique more consideration than it deserved. Consider the MISUSED, yet FAVORED definition of pretentious, which aligns itself with people who pursue things that they have no interest in merely because they think it makes them better than others. 

I know that my pursuits were rooted in what I thought reflected my deepest desires and genuine interests. But it’s in being honest with what I pursued that I found myself dabbling with superiority. So yeah, I’m NOT pretentious, but I’m probably CONCEITED. 

How so? Well, having believed ALL OCCURRED THINGS have the sole intention of either benefitting/harming you (i.e., the “world revolves around you” narrative fallacy in [12]). Having assumed that my revelations reign supreme over those held by others. Having confidence and clarity in my worldview. Having suppressed my pride by faking my humility. 

And yet my greatest TRANSGRESSION lies in this belief that I had been BESTOWED with a UNIQUE ability to be analytical of myself. Introspection. 

That this gift was unique in its DEPTH and its VARIETY and its ELOQUENCY. That this gift has granted me the opportunity at vulnerable conversations with the utmost UNEXPECTED recipients. That this gift finds itself at the root of my eccentric flair and underlying charm. 

To be honest, I STILL think I have some special gift. Though experience has proven that each person is SPECIAL in their own way, I don’t know if everyone FINDS their specialty, and I don’t know if everyone is granted the SAME AMOUNT of special. 

But you know what CRUSHED me? A recent realization that despite acting in accordance with my core values with good intentions, I still manage to make mistakes and commit hurtful deeds. Though I had acted in accordance with what I thought was right and what I wanted to do, I managed to harm because those intentions were inherently flawed. And despite the DEPTH of the reasoning and the EXTENT of my reflection, I was unable to catch the flaws in my worldview and, subsequently, allowed myself to blunder. 

I realize that my understanding of the world (especially my perception of how other people think and how I should act accordingly) BLUNDERS frequently — INSTEAD of giving the general public the benefit of the doubt that they have come to the same conclusions (with the same depth and clarity) as I have, I CHOOSE to presume that the general public is “less introspective” than I am.  

The desire to share some transformative revelation with a friend manifests itself into unsolicited, judgmental advice (sorry, Ethan). The contrast to those who seek an end goal as opposed to enjoying the pursuit of genuine interest compels me to become judgmental. 

But more poignant has been my reflection on my approach towards romance. The desire to always be on some chase for external validation. The fear of being alone causes me to forgive red flags and ignore incompatibility. The romanticization of my partner kept me blind from any problematic intentions. The attempts to “maximize my chances” in search of some lustful interaction. The (almost) manipulator-esque nature of the music, movies, and memes I choose to consume. The relentless clinginess and the ghosting-ness that I practiced without much ACTUAL thought to its implications. 

I remember last year I wanted to be loved so so so so so SO SO FUCKING bad, but now I just feel like someone who’s UNDESERVING of it. Despite my CAUTION and my CARE and my THOUGHTFULNESS and my DELIBERATE CHOICES, the flawed foundation of my philosophy was enough to lead to problems anyway. I look back at the negligent mistakes I’ve made (and the repercussions they’ve had on hurting others and the embarrassment I’ve made of myself) with guilt. 

Mistakes I made because of my conceited belief that I’m ALWAYS RIGHT. That I make the RIGHT choices. And when I make a mistake, I atone for my sins in a way that is RIGHT. 

These articles are the children of my exaggerated and overthought rants. I don’t think I’m actually as flawed as I think these articles present me to be. This is a written thought experiment posing as a character study. 

Yeah, it’s easier to lose sleep over things you’ve done poorly in the past than it is to marvel at the things you’ve managed to do right (i.e., all the things that contributed to my supposed conceited nature). And yet I remain humbled by this revelation — I feel as though the streak of articles tagged [ REFLECTION ] over the past few months has led up to VERY revelation.